Chandler Man Has Not Showered Since 2013, ASU Scientists Confirm

CHANDLER, Ariz. - Researchers at Arizona State University confirmed Tuesday that Chandler resident Preston has not taken a shower since 2013, ending a decade of speculation by friends who described the situation as "getting to be a whole thing."

"We ran the numbers three times," said lead scientist Dr. Helen Marsh, adjusting a gas mask she says she now wears to the grocery store. "The last recorded contact between Preston and water was a brief, accidental encounter with a lawn sprinkler during the second Obama administration. In Arizona, that sprinkler was probably illegal."

According to the study, the odor has developed its own weather system, and combined with 117-degree afternoons it now qualifies as a haboob. Phoenix Sky Harbor has rerouted two approach paths, and the National Weather Service has issued what it called "a smell watch" for most of the East Valley.

Neighbors described the smell as "structural" and "load-bearing." One man, who asked not to be named, said his dog has filed for emancipation. The HOA has sent 41 letters.

When reached for comment, Preston said he was "saving water for future generations" before a nearby houseplant visibly wilted.

At press time, the City of Chandler had quietly moved this year's Tumbleweed Tree lighting to Gilbert, and a coalition of soap manufacturers had launched a $40 million campaign titled simply "Please."